The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
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My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
We have a winner.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra