the three genders
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Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Butt weight. There’s more!
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
3% human
97% stress
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.