the three genders
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We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed