The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
You Might Also Like
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
When you’ve simply given up.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*