The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
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When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.