The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
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When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
You sure about that?
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.