The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
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Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Cucumbers Anonymous
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me