@MattShiney: "The top of my toliet seat is uncomfortable to sit on. I want it to feel like my living room floor" - inventor of carpet toliet seat covers
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@stacieooooo: You'd think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
@david8hughes: [describing criminal to sketch artist] No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
@flashember: *Buys map of world, pins up on wall *Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands *packs for wall 3 feet away *has an amazing time at wall
@bestlizard: A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.