@MattShiney: "The top of my toliet seat is uncomfortable to sit on. I want it to feel like my living room floor" - inventor of carpet toliet seat covers
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@Tipocazzuto: Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien? Me: why? Her: who vacuums their bed? Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
@AnitaAlibi: My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
@fouadelbatrawi: Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
@thatdutchperson: Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms? Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks* *Spends night making balloon animals