Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
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Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Buying a well is money well spent.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Netflix and scream at our children?!
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”