Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
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“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Every work call, he judges.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.