The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
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Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries