I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
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My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
*pronounces patio like ratio
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.