The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
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An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 馃檨
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I don鈥檛 follow washing instructions, you鈥檙e my clothes you don鈥檛 tell me what to do
I followed you because you鈥檙e hot
-Mosquitoes
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Please let me in.. 馃槀
Sound on
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.