found my next D&D character name
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If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
peep davidson
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.