My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
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Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
This is my pinned tweet
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper