The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
You Might Also Like
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
*Seductively hides in the woods
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death