The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
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My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.