@kumailn: The two most horrific words on the internet are "Begin Slideshow."
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@AndrewChamings: [proctologist’s office] ME: *unzipping pants nervously* PROCTOLOGIST: You're nervous, that's normal, but please zip my pants back up.
@StephenBCramer: My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I'm going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
@dmc1138: While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I've quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!