@kumailn: The two most horrific words on the internet are "Begin Slideshow."
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@TheDailySchmuck: [Eating unhealthy potato at restaurant] Cop: You're under arrest. Me: What's the charge? [Lowers sunglasses] Cop: a salt and buttery.
@AndyAsAdjective: *bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night* "FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS"
@garthinkingcap: [after solid first date] Ok play it cool, don't wanna seem too eager.. *texts her 47 years later* "Had a great time the other night :)"
@pissrifle: this is ur brain *an egg* this is drugs *a frying pan* this is ur brain on drugs *egg & frying pan wearing sunglasses*