“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
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I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?