G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
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When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.