Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
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Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!