The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
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i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!