The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
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Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
scrabbled eggs
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.