The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
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[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Called it
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.