I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
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Never let them know your next move 😂
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.