This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
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When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Love is always patient and kind.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies