The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
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him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here