The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
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word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
me before I type out affect or effect
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then