The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
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Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire