You Might Also Like
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”