@corinnemlwsw: The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I'm married to it.
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@maurex23: [drug test] WEED: what did you get for #15? HEROIN: the teacher said not to share answers. COCAINE: done LSD: this paper tastes like crab
@hardlyrelevant: (pretending to be well-read to impress a girl) War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one “What was your favorite part?” I’d have to say the Peace
@SamuelHLowe: Aliens must know that we're an easily conquerable race if they've ever seen us try to cancel a printer job.