@corinnemlwsw: The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I'm married to it.
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@VerifiedJayy: My son: do kids that get bullied go to college? Me: no they go to the police academy
@TheToddWilliams: [blind date] HER: I filled up on nuts ME: I guess you bit off more than you... cashew HER: Gesundheit ME: I think I love you
@briancthayer: Kid 1: Hurt my elbow School Nurse: Here's an ice pack K2: *fever* SN: Ice pack K3: *diarrhea* SN: Ice pack K4: *decapitated* SN: Ice pack