Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
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*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days