“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
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The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I am also baked goods
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.