@theshamingofjay: The Walmart app just updated on my phone and now water autocorrects to soda and exercise autocorrects to Doritos and beer.
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@Brianhopecomedy: My 5 year old thinks that there's a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won't get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
@AnOrangeSNES: "Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!" *A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower* "Screw this!"
@emilymaej: I told my niece if I cut her open she would just be made of chicken quesadillas and she said if she cut me open I'd just be dead. Smart kid.
@ShadyLadyHH: My new hobby is sitting outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say "You can see me?"