@theshamingofjay: The Walmart app just updated on my phone and now water autocorrects to soda and exercise autocorrects to Doritos and beer.
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@JaneBadall: In retrospect, the kidnapping was going according to plan until I blew my nose on the rag I'd soaked with chloroform.
@therealeatwood: RUSSELL: I told you that cheese wasn’t for you ME: [bitterly, mousetraps on both hands] Nothing’s ever for me, is it Russell
@theshamingofjay: My son just said he doesn't like cheese and now I have to interview all the mailmen in my neighborhood