The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
You Might Also Like
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.