The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
You Might Also Like
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Born to be mild.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.