@WetzelGeek: The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
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@mattsurely: [couch shopping] Wife: Eh, you married to it? *a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn't notices the couch's wedding ring*
@OhNoSheTwitnt: If this Starbucks barista calls me m'lady one more fucking time I'm going to put on my knight's armor and make him my squire.
@jaelteon: interviewer: do you have any experience in a leadership role? me: well, I am the group admin for a WhatsApp group
@SodomyClown: If you're going to boast non stop about your pregnancy at least give birth to something fun like a puppy, a bouncy castle or a bag of weed.