The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
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Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
No, he would not have.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“