The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
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girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*