The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
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[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
[shakes fist at other fist]
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
time for some seasonal decor
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest