The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
You Might Also Like
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project