The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
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Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
“I’m helping” 😅
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.