@CheetohFace: The Westboro Baptist Church is planning on picketing Fred Phelps funeral. I'm not sure they even know what they're doing anymore, you guys.
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@justabloodygame: [shopping for make-up] "Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?" "I know exactly what you need." [boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
@Brentweets: I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
@DiamondLou69: If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album... ...I'm pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
@Brianhopecomedy: My Mom asked me to help her sign up to Twitter so I did and she's really enjoying Google Plus.