Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
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Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?