If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
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the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
My dog learned how to text
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo