This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
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My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Me trying to walk in a dream
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Breaking news:
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.