The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
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toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.