The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
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“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….