me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
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Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.