I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
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You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Thursday
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
What a year we’ve had this week.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt