Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
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WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.