The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
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Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.