My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
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This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.