The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
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After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*