The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
You Might Also Like
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Whoa 😂
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Geez man, take it easy.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?