coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
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Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
So we got a goldfish…
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Love it! 👍😂
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY