@lianamaeby: The woman seated next to me wanted to know if San Francisco is near the water. I replied, "What's water?" so she wouldn't feel stupid.
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@funflaps: [first date with Shrek] Shrek: Where shall we go? Me: Let's go... OGRE THERE hahaha Shrek: I'm going back to my swamp
@AaronFullerton: Making a list of all the people who wrote "Happy Birthday" on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who's secretly mad at me.